Now that I think back about it. I was always the one giving and giving and giving, even until now. The only difference is that I have nothing left to give to him. Inside me is just a void. Emptiness in itself. A bittersweet feeling keeps coming back to me.

I just wanted someone who cared about me. I wanted someone who loved me and accepted me for who I am. I wanted someone to share his dreams with me and for me to share mine with him. I wanted someone so that we could live our years out together. And yet, what has happened is that...somehow along the way, I lost everything I ever wanted. The only thing left for me is just pain and a whole lot of emptiness. Don't I deserve happiness as much as anyone else?

Project deadlines to meet.
Essays to finish writing.
Home problems.
Fair-weathered friends coming and going.
Missing and thinking of him constantly.

Mental fatigue.
Physical drain.

真的好累...
只想睡在你的怀里...

How will it all end???

Happy Halloween indeed.

I'm so superly tired out from school! When will school be finally over??? Have so many assignments and projects to clear. Even on Deepavali, I'm still stuck in school, clearing my presentation preparation with Eunice and making a very feeble attempt to write my socio paper. I so want this to end now....Thank goodness I only have one more term of madness after this before heading into the workforce, which will inevitably close many many problems for me but also create newer and more challenging problems for me to face. Life is so sucky at this moment right now. Somehow, it seems like this shit will never end. I just want a peaceful life and yet, my life seems to be unfolding like some Korean or Japanese drama, peppered with so much nonsense and life's irritations. This is not good.

Today, I was in church for mass. Actually, I didn't feel like attending as I had so much work to finish and was under a lot of pressure to clear it up. But, thankfully, I did attend mass because after the mass ended, I can't explain why but somehow, I was a lot less troubled and my head felt so much clearer and lighter. Right now, I am supposed to be clearing my work and I did manage to clear my work at a relatively faster pace than the last few days. (: I only have a small section of the case study for Managerial Decision Making left to finish up and after that, I will be able to start on the journal for Sociology of Economic Life. Feeling a lot more relieved now that so much of my work has been cleared.

During the sermon, I usually would not be listening and be nodding off to sleep. But, today, I was attentive. The priest was talking about what love is. He said that the concept of love has been portrayed by the media to be overly romanticized. Love is seen as an emotion that stirs one sensually and sexually. However, the statement that he made (which is also the theme of his entire sermon) really got through to me: "Love is not only an emotion but also a decision." It was as if God himself was giving me an answer to why I have been doing what I have done for the past half of the year. We don't love for the sake of feeling romantic but we choose to love. The priest also mentioned that choosing to love someone entails a lot of sacrifice and that it will be a very harsh road to walk. Sometimes, we choose to love someone who does not treat us as well and that is very tough for anyone to bear. He also mentioned about love and how forgiveness is part of this great love that we are capable of, simply because we are made in God's image. When he said this, my heart totally poured open and I felt like for once, someone finally understood how I felt.

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Now, I finally can give you a proper answer to the question that you have been asking me. Why do I still love you even after all that has happened and after all this while? It is because I chose to love you from the very start and I will NEVER stop loving you. What about you? What is your choice?

I am getting old. I just realized that I totally forgot to print my sociology readings so that I can read them before Monday. Sigh. Looks like that will have to wait till Monday morning. Horrible brain of mine is not functioning as well as it used to. Oh well, at least I finished the online quizzes for Risk Management and Insurance so I don't feel so worried about not being able to finish all my work.

Had dinner with him just now. He was supposed to meet his family for dinner later but he complained that he was hungry. Sometimes, when he does that, I wonder whether he did that because he really was hungry or was it because he knew that I would not eat when I got home. Anyway, we went to Cathay to look for a cd he wanted at Gramaphone before heading downstairs to have dinner. He had oyster mee suah from Shilin and I had a yakitori bento from QuickBites. We also shared a piece of fried chicken from Shilin and he ate so fast! I guess he must have been really hungry after all cos he finished up the majority of the chicken without noticing it. After dinner, we bumped into a friend whom we have not seen for a long time. (This friend does not know what happened to us as he has not seen us for more than one year already.) The two of them ended up talking about graduation and they somehow got led to the topic of working overseas. When hearing about his plans to go overseas, our friend asked him while gesturing to me, "So, I guess...is she going to follow you?" He looked at me and then answered our friend, "I dunno. Ask her lor." My answer to that was "Don't want" in a joking manner. Our friend ended up laughing and saying that I will choose to stay in Singapore to watch my VCDs. (He was holding my detective show VCDs for me.)

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Will I follow you? My answer is Yes, I will follow you no matter where you go. But the real question is will you allow me to follow you wherever you may go?

You say that it is very unlike me to flare up as I did over sms. But did you realize the real reason why I got angry? I cared for you so much so that it was enough for me to get angry. I loved you THAT much...so much so that everything that happens around you affects me as well. Haven't you realized that already? Or are you intentionally turning a blind eye to everything I do for you?

It's week 10 and I think I'm keeling over soon cos of the heavy workload. I can't breathe. Constantly, my mind is always thinking about the work that I have to finish but at the same time, I just have no mood for such stuff.

My heart seems heavy...so heavy that I can barely keep going each day. I wanted to let go but because I still loved him so much, I didn't in the end. Keeping quiet, I trudged through another week or so. He's treating me much better than he used to. But somehow, something has changed. It's just not how I thought it would be. The chemistry we still share still exists but I find that when talking to him, I cannot bring myself to trust him. Not like how it used to be. On his side, it seems like he is not so happy when he goes out with me and yet, when he goes out with his other friends, he seems so happy.

I also dun wanna hang on to someone who doesn't feel happy when he is with me. I smsed him about it but he just avoided the topic and didn't address it directly. Is it really that hard to be honest with me? All I wanted was his love and honesty from him and from the start to the end, it was just so hard for him to give this to me.

I guess I'm just going to stop believing in hope or miracles anymore. A fairytale will just remain as it has always been, only a fairytale. Nothing more.

"When one is lost, there is someone out there to guide you.
When one is sad, there is someone out there to comfort you.
When one is troubled, there is someone out there to see you thru.
When one needs a shoulder, there is someone out there to lend you their.
When one needs a hug, there is someone out there to hug you.
That Someone has the patience, the patience of eternity.
If you are willing, you are worth eternity."

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The above poem was written on a very good friend's blog in response to the girl who he liked. She was blogging about some problems she was encountering. She also stated that she needed a hug and hoped that the next person she hugs will have her in his arms for the rest of his life. I'm just happy for the two of them right now even though nothing much has developed yet cos I think that they will be really happy together once they start on this journey.

But that is not the main purpose of this blog entry. When I see this poem, it really touches me. The guy can love the girl so much so that he does so many things for her. Even if she doesn't realize it yet, he has always silently been there for her. Simply just watching over her like a guardian angel. It makes me a little envious sometimes. My someone... Is he going to take hold of this opportunity I have given him? Or is he simply just going to slip me by once again?

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I'm really praying very hard for a sign. God, pls tell me what to do.

Why do I always end up swallowing all my pride because of you?

As quoted from a friend's blog, "things are getting messier......."

Yes, indeed. My heart feels like it has gone for a rollercoaster ride and I can't stop the vertigo and nauseous feeling anymore. It hurts so badly...so much that I really can't concentrate on anything. Throwing myself into work doesn't work. The after-effects are still there. I feel so empty inside, like I have given so much of myself away until I have nothing left. I guess since there's nothing left inside, I should just slowly let it go and let it be. If he really cared and truly loved me, he wouldn't have let me carry on giving so much so that it really hurts now.

It's the second time already. Once bitten, twice shy. I guess it's really up to me now. I just want to get out of the mess that he has created for himself and some other friends around him. I don't want any part of this shitload. I don't want any more heartaches. I don't want to cry anymore in the middle of the night, wondering why...

So, it's really goodbye, my love. I've finally given up on myself. I've finally given up on you. You are my Mr. Perfect but if you just don' t want to work on "us", then I guess I shouldn't hold on anymore. It's pointless.

Heartache.

My faith is almost dead. Somehow, I want to continue believing but my heart has been broken over and over again until I really do not feel anything anymore. When will he finally realize how much I really do love him? When will he finally realize how much I have sacrificed for him?

I guess I shouldn't place so much hope on him anymore. Too many things have happened lately. At the end of the day, all that I see are just tears and more tears. I really wonder what is in store for me next?

I just feel like I dun belong to this world anymore. I should just go to another world where everything will be better, brighter and happier.

I finally met up with my dear gal alex on Friday night for dinner. It's been a super long time since I last saw her. We didn't know what to eat at first and somehow, we ended up walking over to Esplanade from City Hall to eat at Ichiban Boshi. The food was good; Alex had some stuff that was cooked on a leaf (can't remember what) and I had a yummy toji katsu set that came with salmon sashimi and some spicy radish appetizer. We also ordered drinks. Alex had orange juice and I had Peach & Calamansi Juice (which we were both initially a little sceptical about but it turned out really nice). It was a great meal spent over a nice conversation with a really good friend. Really enjoyed myself that night. WE MUST HAVE MORE DINNERS OK? I'm looking forward to Avenue Q which we're going to watch soon in November. (:

Sigh...still finishing work up right now. My break week is over and now is just the beginning of a horrible second half of the term. I'm so not looking forward to the amount of shit I will have to clear next week. Grrr....December holidays, please come quickly and relieve me from the shitload that I have!!

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up save in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable." - C.S. Lewis

"We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as their qualities." - Jacques Maritain

"The art of love ... is largely the art of persistence." - Albert Ellis

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Should I persist then? Or simply just give up??? Many have told me to just put it down...to stop all the pain and hopefully, find another who will treat me better. My brain tells me to stop as well. But my heart says to perservere and to fight on for the one that I love. Sigh. It is a difficult choice between what I want and what I should do. However, no matter how difficult the road ahead may be, I will still strive to fight for what I want.

Gambatte!~

Why does my heart ache so badly everytime you do this to me? Does it still mean that I love you that much? Or does it simply mean that I have become too attached to you after so many years?

Somehow, I can't tell anymore.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." - Herman Hesse

"To hold, you must first open your hand. Let go." - Tao Te Ching

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For weeks, I have been feeling so much pain, hurt and misery. Even more so last night... (Thank you for listening and being there for me, you know who you are)

Now, I just feel so disillusioned. Feel like I'm being cheated and lied to by him. Somehow, the things that were said by him doesn't equate to the actions he takes. I have finally stopped crying myself to sleep since school started 8 weeks ago. But I think I'm starting to revert to that again. It's just so tiring to try to second-guess him all the time. Even after 5 years, I still don't know him at all. I can't trust him, like I used to, ever again.

I know the solution to my problem but it really is not that easy to let go of everything, even though I really want to. The biggest obstacle that is hindering me is that I am not ready to let go of him yet. Maybe this was all pre-destined. It just wasn't meant to be.

OMG. The school facility booking system is so screwed up. Spent damn long time trying to book a seminar room for my meeting later. Super duper irritating. To book a sr, three people's names are required and they have to individually confirm the booking. But, what we didn't know is that the time allowed for us to confirm the booking only lasts for 10 minutes!!! Feel damn cheated right now cos me and my group tried so many times to book a sr (since last night) without success. Sigh... It's supposed to be term break but we have to come back to school to finish up all our projects and stuff.

I just finished a project meeting for Mangerial Decision Making and have another one for Investment of Equity Investments at 2.30pm. So sian...and VERY HUNGRY!!! I haven't eaten yet cos I left house at 11.15am in a rush to try to get to school by noon. Oh wells...School life sucks. Thankfully, I only have 1 1/2 terms left to graduation. Looking forward to it. (:

I hope the usual gang is meeting up tomorrow night for ice cream. Haven't had that in a long long time.

“Count your blessings. Once you realize how valuable you are and how much you have going for you, the smiles will return, the sun will break out, the music will play, and you will finally be able to move forward the life that God intended for you with grace, strength, courage, and confidence.” - Og Mandino

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That is what I intend to do. I have closed and re-opened blogs so many times in hopes of a new beginning but everytime, it seems like the whole vicious cycle just repeats itself over and over again.

I hope this will be the last time and I shall re-start with a new perspective: to constantly remind myself how blessed I am right now. The quote above states exactly what I strive to achieve right now, to find the right path that God wants me to walk down. No matter how tough it may be, I shall make it to the end of the road!!!

♪ jacq
♪ 3rd nov 1983
♪ scorpio
♪ smu social science
♪ dreamer

♥ white roses
♥ singing
♥ writing poetry
♥ puzzles
♥ pretty bags
♥ beautiful scenery

♦ to be loved and to love in return
♦ to excel in work for the coming year

October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
June 2009

♀ alex
♀ brenda
♀ eugenie
♂ jareth
♀ jessica
♀ lishan
♀ sj
♀ taa

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