Somehow, I'm just so tired. I know u still care for me in a lot of ways. But I guess it's just not enough for me.
I want someone to call my own; someone I can rely on, who understands and accepts me truly for who I am. I don't want someone who assumes that he knows every damn thing about me and acts in a manner that he thinks I want him to react in.
I want someone who I can turn to at the end of the day. I want that someone to be able to give me a hug and comfort me when I'm sad and in tears. I don't need tissue paper from him. I want him to listen to me when I'm happy too and I will willingly listen to him in return.
I want someone who I can consider to be both a lover and the bestest of all my friends. I don't want someone who gives me hot and cold signals while telling me that he still cares.
I want someone who can give and take; not someone who just keeps taking me for granted.
I always thought that you were that someone. Somehow, u just lost being that someone along the way. Now, u only seem like a stranger to me. I guess if you're just not ready to be that someone, then please stop leading me on and keep giving me false hope. I can't take it anymore.
I'm sooo miserable now. Got my last two socio journals back...scored 79 and 78 respectively. Feeling so fucked up now. Damn. Worked so freaking hard on each journal and that's all I got. Super angry with myself now. Is that all I can do? Is my capability so limited that I can't score another A? Sigh. It's always the B+ and somehow, that's not enough for me to pull the damn GPA up to 3.0...
I don't even want to talk about KG, MDM or AOE. I think I screwed those modules up too; KG - I don't even know why but I just feel like sighing when I think of that module, MDM - screwed the group project and class participation and AOE - screwed the final quiz. WHY WHY WHY DO I ALWAYS DO SO BLOODY WELL IN THE BEGINNING AND FLOP AT THE END???
The only module left that I have faith in is RMI...but I'm feeling so bloody screwed at this point.
Just reached home not too long ago. Was feeling rather down in a lot of ways before I got home and then I got a call from my dear girl Alex! As usual, the conversation was peppered with loads of jokes, rubbish nonsense and Alex pills. Wahahahah...That totally put a smile back on my face. I just like to talk to Alex because I get to "bully" her around on the phone. Haha... (: Anyhow, gal, don't worry about work. I'm sure it will turn out fine at the end of the day. Think about all the money you get to earn, keep and spend!! $_$
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Have it your way...I just don't have the energy to bother about what you say or don't say anymore. I will just ignore you to preserve my sanity, that's all.
Just feeling really despondent now. Dunno why but I can't get myself to feel happy again.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It has always been three people, not just the two of us. I'm tired. Really tired. For the past week, I thought we were slowly moving forward together. But, I guess, in reality, we were just moving along, NOT foward.
Tonight, I have officially started studying for the upcoming exams next week. Although I only have two papers, somehow I feel a tad bit insecure about being able to complete the papers with a reasonable high grade so that I can pull my GPA up. Everyone says that GPA is not important but at the same time, it's so bloody ironic that the same people are the ones who are working their butts off just to get a good GPA. I guess that's just life in SMU...
Things seem to be finally falling into place; I seem to be putting my life back together again. But, somehow...something just doesn't feel right. It seems like something important to me is missing from the entire picture and I know what it is. The problem is how do I find the missing puzzle piece so that I can piece everything together again?
Yippee! I'm all set for my next term! Managed to get all my bids. (:
The only thing now is how do I get pass this term? ):
Two more exams...sigh...
It's time to hit the books.
-----------------------------------------------------------------It's been
Managed to get my bid for social stratification on Tuesday morning for the next term. Now waiting to see if I get my Management Accounting and Corporate Reporting bid as well.
Actually, I should be finishing my last Sociology of Economic Life reading journal or studying for the Analysis of Equity Investments final quiz now but I just don't have the mood. At his place now and all he knows is to sleep...sleep...and sleep...I'm also physically tired and feeling the fatigue from the heavy workload. It's not like he's the only one who's tired out. I came over to study with him because he asked me to...but looks like I'm going to end up studying alone, accompanied by the sounds of his snores and anime playing in the background.
What's new? I have been always alone anyway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Ben & SJ: Congrats to the two of u. My only wish is that you two will just find the happiness that both of u rightly deserve. (:
He put up a good fight all the way to the end and now, Ben is sleeping like a log. Wahahaha. Anyways, good job! Even though you didn't make it to the end, you almost did!!! That was definitely your best effort and it was a good one so you should be proud of yourself. (:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
At least he fought till the end. If you had put in half as much as he did, things wouldn't have turned out this way. Now, everything you do is too late...WAY TOO LATE...
Just got home. Was at Ngee Ann City supporting Ben in the Subaru Impreza Challenge. SJ, Eugene and me even made a poster for him. He looked so tired and had an aching palm. Hope that he can tahan until the last lap and win the car! (:
I feel as tired as he looked. Like all the energy has been sucked out of me. Don't know why but I feel like I have lost something very important to me and yet, it was something that I had to do. Why do I feel so miserable right now?
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, I wish you would just hold me close and tell me that everything is going to be alright. But, I don't think that will ever happen anymore.Thanks to his behavior and quick expedition by some people around him, now I have totally let him go. No more feelings left. Just a heart that is tired of being broken over and over and over again. No more friendship, nothing left. I have given in one too many times and now, my heart just tells me to go. So, I'm closing this door for good. That's it then.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I hope you're finally happy now.
Now that I'm done with my Analysis of Equity Investments quiz and presentation, I shall blog about my Wednesday outing with Alex. As mentioned in the previous post, we met to watch Avenue Q. So, before that, we went to Thai Express for dinner. Both of us had glass noodles cooked in different ways. I had the Tom Yam soup version and she had this claypot version. After dinner, we went for the show and it was amazing. I don't regret spending on the ticket. After the show, the staff were selling the soundtrack CD. I wanted one but I was quite tired so I didn't bother to go check the price. But on the way back, we did stop by HMV as we reasoned that it would probably be cheaper but couldn't find the CD. So, I went home feeling a little regret as I didn't manage to get the soundtrack.
I opened Alex's present when I reached home and found this:
That girl is devious!!! She cheated me and didn't tell me that she bought it for me!!! Somemore, she can act blur and accompany me to HMV to look for the CD. But that's why I love her so much! Thanks gal...I really wanted it and now I have it, thanks to you!
Just finished my shower half an hour ago. I'm so tired out from today. Worked in the morning till late afternoon then I met Alex to watch Avenue Q. Will blog more about it tomorrow or some other time when I have more time. Now, I have to rush out the finalized slides for tomorrow's presentation, finish compiling the one page summary that goes along with the presentation and prepare for the quiz tomorrow. So, in the meanwhile, here's a set of lyrics of a song that really struck a chord deep in my heart from Avenue Q. Had to control myself from crying when I first heard it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
There's a Fine, Fine Line - Avenue Q
There's a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There's a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know 'til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
There's a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there's a fine, fine line between "You're wonderful" and "Goodbye."
I guess if someone doesn't love you back it isn't such a crime,
But there's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.
And I don't have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don't think that you even know what you're looking for.
For my own sanity, I've got to close the door
And walk away...
Oh...
There's a fine, fine line between together and not
And there's a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you're still in your prime...
There's a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.
Thank You All for My Birthday Presents and Well Wishes
1) From my parents and mama
Thanks for the red packets as shown in the photos below and in previous posts!
2)From my bro JM:
3) From my auntie:
4) From him:
5) From SJ, Ben and Eugene
Thanks again for organizing the surprise dinner and cake!
6) From my other friends who sent their well wishes via sms, Facebook etc.
Thank you for remembering! Special mention of Christina who accidentally sent me an sms to my home line instead of my handphone at 12 plus last night, thus waking a few family members at home up with the constant ringing of the phone. That will be the probably the most memorable well wish that I have this year. (:
Just came back from a very interesting dinner today. SJ and Ben "magically" appeared at the steamboat place where I was supposed to have dinner with Eugene. Actually, I sort of suspected something cos Eugene kept insisting to have a steamboat dinner. They even bought a mango cake for me. This whole thing left me kind of speechless. Didn't know how to react and what to say. I thought that I would be alone today but I wasn't. That was the most amazing thing that happened in the entire year. But still, something didn't feel right. Although I was surrounded by the warmth of friendship, I still felt lonely inside and I guess I know why. Nevertheless, I'm really grateful for the support and company that I have gotten today. Thank you all for making it possible.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I made a birthday wish this year. Usually I pretend to (just to play along) but my mind is always blank. But this year was different. I wished really hard. Will it come true? I still don't know. I really don't...
Remember this?
You might have forgotten it already but I haven't. This year hasn't been easy for me. It really hasn't. But I won't forget this either.
I got my second red packet and pressie this morning.
The pressie is from auntie and red packet from parents and it's still not my birthday yet (:
Yesterday afternoon, I went to the Central Mall to meet Alex for lunch. We went to some yummy pizza place called Pizza Al Taglio where I had my favorite Hawaiian pizza and she had Teriyaki Chicken pizza. It was really good. I haven't had pizza for a long long time and the pizza tasted rather authentically Italian too! We exchanged and shared a bit of our pizzas with each other so I got to taste both flavours. The Hawaiian was absolutely yummy and the Teriyaki Chicken tasted very unique. We even ordered the set meal that got us each a drink and potato wedges. I will definitely be going back there soon. I had a good time chatting with Alex about so many things. Sigh. Wish that I could see her more in school but too bad she graduated one year earlier than me. Sniff. But anyways, I'm looking forward to seeing her on Wednesday evening to watch Avenue Q. (:
On a side note, I just received my first birthday red packet and present yesterday night/this morning. (:
Totally unexpected cos my birthday is only on Monday. I was giving out wassants which I bought from Petit Provence while I was at the Central Mall earlier. Thought it would be nice to buy something to share with my family for my birthday. We were originally going to celebrate it tonight but well, things happened and now, it's postponed till tomorrow. Anyways, I gave my grandma the first wassant and she passed me a red packet in return as she was afraid she would forget to give it to me on Monday. Thanks mama!
The present was from my brother who passed it to me when he just got home (which was about half an hour ago). That was a total surprise. I didn't see it coming but anyway, I was really touched that he actually remembered and was so thoughtful to buy something for me. Thanks JM! I shall keep it till Monday and open it then.
Actually, I'm not really looking forward to my birthday this year. I don't know why but I'm just not as excited about it as the last few years. It's just another ordinary day. No difference from any other day. The only thing special about it is that I can joke with my mum about having a stretched out celebration for my birthday. Haha.
The reason:
31st Oct - Halloween
1st Nov - All Saints Day
2nd Nov - All Souls Day
3rd Nov - My Bday! (:
I even joked with my mum that my birthday should be made a holiday for that reason. :P
Upon reflecting back, I think I have grown up a lot this year. Suddenly, I feel old. I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
God, this year, I pray that you give me the strength to bear this weight well and empower me to let you shine through my actions.